In case your friends aren’t constantly talking about it like mine are, here’s a bit of info you might want: Portland (and the rest of the Northeast) is gonna get destroyed by snow this weekend. Now, if this is news to you, you’re probably screaming and pulling out your hair, ‘cause you’ve obviously never encountered such a thing. Snow in New England! What a concept! Fear not old buddy. We here at Dispatch have created a convenient little snowstorm guide so you can have the best snow day ever.

First stop is the grocery store. Stock up, ‘cause every take out place probably going to be closed (except the few Chinese joints in town that have dangerously high levels of MSG). Items that can be eaten without cooking are always a smart choice, just in case we lose power. But the most important thing you must remember is this: there is no drink more suited for a snow day than the steamy, tasty Hot Toddie. Here’s what you’ll need to mix together.

- 1 teaspoon honey
- 2 oz. boiling water
- 1 ½ oz. whiskey
- 3 whole cloves
- 1 cinnamon stick
- 1 slice of lemon
- 1 pinch ground nutmeg

Personally, I enjoy a flavored hot toddy. If you are feeling adventurous, before you mingle all of these flavors together, take your boiling water and steep your favorite fruity tea flavor. Peach hot toddies have become one of my all-time favorite boozy treats, but you could mix two different flavors together if you’d like. There’s a large assortment of really inexpensive fruit teas at any and all Reny’s locations.

While you’re there, you might want to consider your options, as everything in the store is crazy inexpensive. Snow gear is currently on sale right now, and if you're jonesing for some outdoor action, they also how sleds and snow tubes for cheap. Grab some hand and toe warmers and one of those awesome square-shaped snow brick molds, and build a little hideaway from the heavy snowfall. Hell, put your yummy peach raspberry oolong hot toddy in a Thermos and slip into your igloo with a few like-minded friends. Not too shabby of an idea, if you ask me.

The outdoors don’t scream your name when it’s frigid out? There are options, Padawan learner. I’m a bit of a movie geek (if my nerdiness didn’t come through in my last comment), and have a pretty decent sized obsession with really bad horror flicks. Netflix is a goldmine for craptastic horror films, but we’ve got a theme going already! Are there any horror movies that take place in the winter?! Answer: duh. The recent surge of zombie fans will be thrill to learn of the Scandinavian shit-storm known as Dead Snow. A group of friends go on a vacation, as many friends do in a scary movie, but instead of a guy with a mask and a hatchet, these unlucky pals encounter something way better: Zombie Nazis. No. There’s no typo here. Friggin’ zombie Nazis, guys. Yeah, that’s a thing.

I don't know about you, but I'm hunkering down; in the words of Macklemore, “I'll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand and I'll rock that motherfucker.” Get your bros and girlfraaaanz together in their finest nighties and follow my instructions, and you’re sure to forget how much winter sucks here in the Northeast… sigh, it really does suck, huh? When’s summer again?


Image via Flickr/Nedral